It's Not You, It's Me.: January 2006

27.1.06

Like a lot of my posts, this one's for you Matthew...

Click here dear. If you buy me one of these for Kristmas however, you won't see your next birthday. Kisses!

26.1.06

The Whitney Chronicals Pt. 3

Well well well, lookey what i've got here, another episode in the Whitney Chronicles.

Whitney sings the Star Spangled Banner

I don't actually think the tune is any worse than the dross that the aptly named Black Eyed Peas (featuring the Crypt Keeper - see below's earlier post) churn out every year.

What i think is terrible is his dancing to it in the studio - just not cool. Anyway, here's a video of him popping out to PopoZao

21.1.06

The Whitney Chronicals Pt. 2

She's not just an Icon, she's an MTV ICON

Mother of the Year

You're never too old to have a happy childhood part 2?

Kee kee k k kee kee kee, k k kee kee

Don't even get me started.

P.S - What's up with her hairy leg?

19.1.06

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!

I've found a short film madonna made with Guy Ritchie called 'The Pool' around the time of the much unloved 'Swept Away', and it's fabulous!

Click here dears.

Absolutely Almost Fabulous

This is a video interview with Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley for French television, and it is the single most uncomfortable interview i've ever seen someone do.

Watch how Jennifer laughs nervously after everything she says, to a completely unresponsive room, and then watch Joanna pull it back. French comedy, geeese.

The Whitney Chronicals

So, i've finally found the now infamous Whitney videos on the net, so i'd like to share them all with you (i ain't emailing them all damn it!).

The first in what will be a season of everyone's favourite crack-pipe, is called Whitney Screws Up The Classics

Enjoy

18.1.06

Memoirs Of A Geisha

Oh my god,this one is good. I want comments left about this you bitches.

Are you beautiful?

Or are you virginal

Madonna Vs. Britney

Well this is very funny.

17.1.06

Uncanny.

Guuurrrll, all you do is have one shake for breakfast, one for lunch, and then stick your fingers down your throat like any self-respecting superstar. Maybe she really really wants to be Aretha, the queen of dark fat.

You're never too old to have a happy childhood?

Well at least that's what i've always said, but i think he's proved me wrong. A modern-day Child Catcher, and so what if he's got some oil Arab paying his bills, we've all had one at some point of another. No big woop.

Baby love...

And they say The Supremes never got their revenge...

16.1.06

Just stop it you silly girl.

Mariah honey, COOOOOOMMMMEEE OOONNN! You'd be better off on wheels for fuck's sake. You used to be such a pretty girl, but now you're so ridiculous that even your evil ex husband has stopped trying to break you. And where are you going with that hair, the moon? I reckon even her bodyguard is laughing at her- he must go home and tell his properly black girlfriend about all her foolishness of the day, and the two of them laugh and kee kee over some fried chicken and grits (where have i gone now?). Anyway, she's silly. I will of course be posting more pictures.

The Crypt Keeper

She is evil and must be stopped. And you thought Mutya from the Sugababes was bad, well now that girl is rocking and this one has come to take over. Her face should only be used when needing to divert traffic.

Greyskull Mountain

Saw the film, yes it's beautiful, yes mentally i'm still there, Jake or Heath - Heath, their almost skinny but not quite jeans annoyed me and yes the ageing make up didn't really work (as in where was it?), however, loving this poster!

Still wish it was done with Liono and Mumra.

12.1.06

Fifi & Me, shootin' the breeze, before we were famous.

I remember this moment so clearly. We were just hangin' out, like any other day, waitin' for our next cocktail. I said to her " Gurl your breath is kicking, you're making me want to vom!", and she said "You must be mistaking my breath for your kootch, no wonder you got nothing on, you're lettin' the breeze get to it!". I said "That depends on where you breathe from, and if it's where you normally speak from, you best get to the loo child!". Needless to say, she ran like a lesbian towards flat pack furniture, and in that precise moment - i met Tommy Mottola. Apparantly she says i got rid of her on purpose, but i don't know that for sure as i don't speak to her no more.

Well it was only a matter of time really eh?

Right then, it seems i've managed to grab my own bit of web space. This is because i seem to discover/get sent the craziest shit from the internet, and it's high time i shared it with you all properly. I also feel that when one is born with more than enough personality, it's selfish not to share (which would explain my bizarre choice of friendships in the past, remember them?).

Anyhoo, in the words of everybody's favourite Latin car-crash, J-to tha-L-O, this is me then. I have of course included a picture of myself for your perusal, though if you're reading this you proably already know what i look like.

It's just that i really love myself.

My Humps On Crack

I love this!

I Love Crystal Meth!

This is grim, but should be seen i feel.

I'm playing at Cafe De Paris on Saturdays

Just so you don't forget, i now DJ at Cafe De Paris in the VIP room on Saturdays. I fully expect to see you down there. Even well known fem-drag Darcy works down there, giving you 'Drag Queen takes on the Riff-Raff Hardcore Realness' in her efforts to keep the VIP seperate from the main club. The girls are beautiful, entirely because they're managed by Meredith, and i'm playing the coolest music you will have ever heard. It's a great vibe down there so let me know if you want guest list, ya cunts.

...However, if you prefer men of a darker hue..

Fidel is playing Queer Nation on Sat 28th Jan. If you've never been before it's a cute little club that actually takes it's music policy seriously! It's all souful american garage and vocal house and with Fidel playing there the 28th will be the best time to go. Leave comments here or email me for guest list (he has quite a lot of spaces available because as i explain further down the page, she does STANK!)

There was a look in her eye....

This picture makes me laugh every time i see it. Girlfriend looks like she's about to swallow him whole, in a kind of "I know where your mother lives" stare, and he's looking at the camera as if to say "That it's come to this eh?". It sort of feels a bit Discovery Channel. You may not know what the fuck i'm talking about though.

I love The Simpsons

Loves it.

This is too major. For the woman that has her 'people' (read 'feeders') change the labels on her clothes, does the treadmill in high heels, and basically annoys the shit out of me for being a bint and doing nothing with her voice other than crap on about herself, well actually that's the end of my sentence. She does all those things, so there. I think she's rubbish, and this picture rocks.

Me & Fi - When there's no one left at the clubs, ya do what ya gotta do to get by.

This is me and my friend Fidel. He's rough as shit, and smells like beef. He's the best DJ in the world, and i will be putting posts on here about his upcoming gigs because he's so cool. She does stink though. Her breath could clean my shoes!

Me arriving at cookery class.

I love going commando. I hardly have any underwear left anyway, since all my foreign lovers have ripped most them off my tight sinewy bodyohmygodijustcan'ttakeitanymorei'msodamnfabulous!!

You can tell I'm having fun can't you.