30.12.06

The Most Incredible Complaint Letter EVER.

READ THIS READ THIS READ THIS.

Season's greetings.


This a copy of a complaint letter that was actually received by NTL.

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testi*les for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver

- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts,

Yours psychotically

John Doe [editor's note: name changed to protect the innocent]

20.12.06

Star Stories - George Michael

This is really all about the Boy George character - (s)he's very funny.





Kate Moss Speaks!

13.12.06

My New Best Friend.

I. LOVE. HER. I swear to God she gives me goose bumps.

Barry Manilow gives her some advice here, and i think she really stepped up her game after that (yes i really am this much of a fan).



Whitney Who?



Somewhere Over The Rainbow - She actually cries.



After a song like this, i have no idea what she'll choose for the final. This is the best she's ever sung.



Vote for her you bitches.

I Fucking LOVE Religeous TV!

Madonna is evil, leading you to your death.

The further this goes, the more hysterical it gets. I can't believe a production company has spent money producing and researching this, it's genius!

Me & Companion.

Oh No She Didn't...

I've gone all X-Factor.

No idea what they're saying, but she's no Shakira, which is i think why she brought along a picture of her.

The Stutter.

"It's like you have a little bird inside you.."

The Animal/

He Believes He Has What It Takes.

I believe he has something to admit to himself, and something to then tell his parents. Only after this, will he realise that those Celine Dion fangs o'his will never get a queen home for free.

Of Course There Are The Classics.

This is quite sensational, believe me. I don't know how Simon doesn't reach over the desk and kill him himself. And look at Louis's smile! This whole video seems so uncomfortable in every way.

"I Work In A Chicken Factory Called Pick-A-Chick....

...But i'm gonna sing anyway".

Oh and what he chooses to sing is......



Don't even think of telling me he never touched her.

I'm The New Eminem!

The best thing about this little beauty is Kate Thornton trying not to laugh, and then just laughing in his UGLY face.

You Look Like Vicky Pollard...

...Says Simon Cowell!!!!

5.12.06

French & Saunders

Look At My Baby!

Love Banksy

The artist dear.
Click on the images to see them properly.



Gallery Of The Absurd

Fabulous picture. Just in case you need help, it's Britney, Lindsay ad Paris.

I Know What Boys Like

I wonder if they still like her?

They Are Not Going Out With Each Other.


I know they say they are, but you look at his fuck ugly face and tell me that's true. It's as obvious she's a lesbian when you listen to her lyrics as it was when you heard George Michael's songs before he came out.

He just doesn't mind playing beard because he thinks everyone rates him cos he can get a better lookin girlfriend.

He is busted (had to just get that off my chest).

Soul Train Circa '74

Funky movers, i want my club to look like this.

Walkin Round in Women's Underwear


Who's on board for a little Holiday Singing?

Let's do Bob Rivers' version of Winter Wonderland.

Ready?

SING!!!

Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask for her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the store -- there's a teddy,
With little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until the wife is out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

MossTrill 500

Sure i've posted this before, but i've done it again now anyway.

Not only does it offend Kate Moss, but Paris makes an appearance too!