The Most Incredible Complaint Letter EVER.

READ THIS READ THIS READ THIS.

Season's greetings.


This a copy of a complaint letter that was actually received by NTL.

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testi*les for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver

- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts,

Yours psychotically

John Doe [editor's note: name changed to protect the innocent]

Star Stories - George Michael

This is really all about the Boy George character - (s)he's very funny.

Kate Moss Speaks!

The Best Kristmas Card Ever.

One Of The Best Things I've Ever Seen. Ever.

My New Best Friend.

I. LOVE. HER. I swear to God she gives me goose bumps.

Barry Manilow gives her some advice here, and i think she really stepped up her game after that (yes i really am this much of a fan).



Whitney Who?



Somewhere Over The Rainbow - She actually cries.



After a song like this, i have no idea what she'll choose for the final. This is the best she's ever sung.



Vote for her you bitches.

I Fucking LOVE Religeous TV!

Madonna is evil, leading you to your death.

The further this goes, the more hysterical it gets. I can't believe a production company has spent money producing and researching this, it's genius!

Me & Companion.

Oh No She Didn't...

I've gone all X-Factor.

No idea what they're saying, but she's no Shakira, which is i think why she brought along a picture of her.

The Stutter.

"It's like you have a little bird inside you.."

The Animal/

He Believes He Has What It Takes.

I believe he has something to admit to himself, and something to then tell his parents. Only after this, will he realise that those Celine Dion fangs o'his will never get a queen home for free.

Of Course There Are The Classics.

This is quite sensational, believe me. I don't know how Simon doesn't reach over the desk and kill him himself. And look at Louis's smile! This whole video seems so uncomfortable in every way.

"I Work In A Chicken Factory Called Pick-A-Chick....

...But i'm gonna sing anyway".

Oh and what he chooses to sing is......



Don't even think of telling me he never touched her.

I'm The New Eminem!

The best thing about this little beauty is Kate Thornton trying not to laugh, and then just laughing in his UGLY face.

You Look Like Vicky Pollard...

...Says Simon Cowell!!!!

French & Saunders

Look At My Baby!

Love Banksy

The artist dear.
Click on the images to see them properly.

Gallery Of The Absurd

Fabulous picture. Just in case you need help, it's Britney, Lindsay ad Paris.

I Know What Boys Like

I wonder if they still like her?

They Are Not Going Out With Each Other.

I know they say they are, but you look at his fuck ugly face and tell me that's true. It's as obvious she's a lesbian when you listen to her lyrics as it was when you heard George Michael's songs before he came out.

He just doesn't mind playing beard because he thinks everyone rates him cos he can get a better lookin girlfriend.

He is busted (had to just get that off my chest).

Soul Train Circa '74

Funky movers, i want my club to look like this.

Walkin Round in Women's Underwear

Who's on board for a little Holiday Singing?

Let's do Bob Rivers' version of Winter Wonderland.

Ready?

SING!!!

Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask for her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the store -- there's a teddy,
With little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until the wife is out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

MossTrill 500

Sure i've posted this before, but i've done it again now anyway.

Not only does it offend Kate Moss, but Paris makes an appearance too!

Definitive Britney

Someone has made a montage of her best vocal moments, and i think they may have been serious. I of course, am posting it, because i am not. It's hysterical.

She's especially good on the swing!

Bunifa Is My Homegirl.

The funniest thing i have seen in ages.

Tyra Meets Bunifa

Bunifa On Trading Spaces

Whitney Cribs.

This shit is fo real!

This Is Just Fucking Off The Wall

Killer Drag Queens From Uranus
.

For Some Reason I'm Having A Drag Moment Again.

I gotta sort my shit out man.

Even Though She Hates Madonna...

....Lady Bunny rules.

Drag Queen Makeover

This is fabulous! A woman being made over by a drag queen, to look more like a woman. The fat bloke claims he looks good because he takes THE TIME to look good. Holy Cow (said with love).

Fidel Didn't Win American Idol.

She wasn't best pleased.

My Pussy Is Magic.

You must be wondering what the hell this is gonna be.

YOU MUST CLICK ON THIS!

World Aids Day is coming up, i think, and this company will donate $1 for every candle lit on their website. This officially makes this THE EASIEST way i've ever seen of donating money to charity. Just click on the link below, or i'll bash ya face in.

I AM A GOOD PERSON LIKE KRIS DI ANGELIS

Up Yours Too.

Crazy Frog Boys

I think this is funny and kinda sweet at the same time.

Helen Mirren

Pan's People

The Only One That Matters.

Madonna, obviously.

The Only One That Matters.

Madonna, obviously.

Kill Bill

You Know Those People....

....That leave silly messages on myspace saying things like "Just showing some love on your page man" with pictures with hearts etc?

Well here's mine.

Absolute Genius

I Know It's Childish but...

....It is also quite funny.

Bunged Up:

Madonna "Bunged Up"

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Just Click The Link.

DooDooCaca

Would Love To Meet...

A personal ad from a Jamaican DL married gay.

WAH GWAAN Bredren? Mi a marrid mon wid children so keep yo shit on da DL and COME KORREK!!Mi a real DL so mi like fi do anyting freaky in private wid mi big fat dick and big, wide, sloppy Jamaican batty 'ole. Mi dark skin, big bones, dreads, gold teet and errings and good-lookin Rude Rasta Mon. Mi like fi suck dick, nyam azz, drink man juice den mi ah go ah mi yad and kiss mi wifey and mi pikni-dem. 'olla from Little Kingston (Canarsie/East Flatbush).

In Jamaica, mi was fist-fucked 3 times onnah kokonut tree. Dats one, too, tree times! CALL ME NOW!

Miss Thing You Are FIERCE!

So I Was Playing At The Club Last Night...

... and i had a few drinks, had a little dance, had a little snog. After that i partied for a little longer at a late night bar, not entirely legally, and my friend and fellow DJ Fidel ended up crashing at mine for the night.

When i woke up i went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, washed my face and promised myself i would never drink again. On my way back to the bedroom i decided to wake Fidel up, but he looked so busted i couldn't hide my reaction....

Scary Clown

There's nothing scarier (is that how you spell it?) than a clown. What i love is that it's obvious at the end that he filmed it himself, obviously a lonely secret clown then.

God bless You Tube.

Barbie The Slut.

This is in no way as funny as you might assume it would be, but it is interesting. Who the fuck, has THIS much anger, to produce such nonsense? Some guy has obviously been dumped by someone infinitely prettier than him, and decided to express this through film, and then broadcast it.

God bless the uglies. Kind of.

This Is Major.

Ali G interviews Posh & Becks.

This Is What Everybody Should React Like.

I have a new-found respect for Faith Hill. She's just a girl after my own heart.

If You've Never Seen 'Female Trouble'...

...you need to check yourself.

Here's the trailer, then a few clips.

Get to work:

Fidel's Childhood Xmas

These were hard times. "Not on Kristmas, not on Kristmas"

Fidel Makes An Entrance, And An Exit

Dinner At The Davenports

This is where Fidel got most of his inspiration for his early years. And you know that shit is true mother fucker! Listen out for the first ever "Hey Lady!". There's a little bit of him in every character here, especially the one that says "I got somethin for yo face mother fucker!"

Divine Recreation

It seems you're not a fierce rulin' drag queen till you're dead and someone is tributing you for money honey.

What i also love about this clip, is the music behind it. Where does one even find such hideousness?

Well I Never.

No, i really never have.

Food.

Kristmas Dinner?


>...Here is a recipe I thought you would like for the holidays!
>
>Ingredients:
>1 whole chicken or turkey
>1 large lemon, cut into halves
>sprig of rosemary
>salt and pepper to taste
>butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer
>
>Heat oven to 350 degrees
>
>Rub butter or oil over the skin of the chicken/turkey until it is
>completely
>coated.
>
>Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer.
>
>Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat;
>
>
>
>Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on
>
>each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the
>breasts.
>
>
>Place sprig of rosemary into the chicken/turkey.
>
>Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue
>
>to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes.
>
>
>If you've followed these steps correctly, your chicken/turkey should
>
>look like the one in the picture.

Cristal Makeover

This little commercial does explain why i look so incredibly young, even though i have in the past consumed my entire body weight in alcohol on a twice weekly basis.

And i mean incredibly young.

Cat Wank

Black Sweat Parody

This is a parody of Prince's last video, and it's actually rather good. By the same guy that did THAT major skit of Beyonce's Ring The Alarm, this is a little more subtle but effective nonetheless.

Madonna Re-Imagined

In a comedic way obviously.

For Lukas.

Simon Doonan, author of WACKY CHICKS and long-term window-dresser at Barney's, was asked to help promote Joan Collins' new tome, THE ART OF LIVING WELL, at a recent Barnes and Noble book-signing. Though he'd submitted his questions in advance at her request, Joan arrived and wasn't having it. Maybe she wasn't just playing a bitch on DYNASTY... Anyway, here's Simon's delightfully-written account of the heart-breaking fiasco:

Me Krystle, You Joan!
Collins-quy Turns Ugly
By Simon Doonan


What was I doing, helping Joan Collins flog copies of her sizzling new self-help mega-tome, The Art of Living Well: Looking Good, Feeling Great (Sourcebooks), on my 54th birthday last Monday at the Borders store in the Time Warner Center? A fair question.

Several months ago, I was asked by the Borders events manager to host a book-signing for La Collins. Apparently the great lady had penned another masterpiece and, in lieu of doing a reading, had requested that yours truly interview her à la Dick Cavett. Having done the same for sister Jackie Collins—fab, funny and relaxed—at the 92nd Street Y a couple of years back, I was looking forward to notching another Collins on my walking stick. My goal is to add Phil and Judy before my 60th.

At Joan’s request, I submitted questions in advance. These were constructed after conscientiously breezing through The Art of Living Well. (This hilarious book—at $24.95, a great ironic camp holiday gift—is liberally plastered with photos of Joan flaunting herself in various outfits, locations and decades.) I was at pains to make these questions cheeky and unpedestrian. This approach seemed to mirror the spirit of Joan’s occasional diary for the U.K.’s Spectator, of which I am an enthusiastic reader.

I was excited about the whole encounter. I had visions of striking up a wild rapport with Joan. After all, we had so much in common: We were both low-born, stop-at-nothing, first-generation immigrants who had come to the U.S. and clawed our way to the middle, albeit in different fields. We both enjoy the attentions of a younger husband. And then there are the wigs: Though hers are expensive handmade jobs and mine are cheapo nylon numbers made for window mannequins, wigs loom large on our respective horizons. Having spent extended periods of time in Lima, I also looked forward to swapping carjacking stories with Joan’s Peruvian-born husband, Percy. I had visions of calling my Jonny and making up an après-book-signing foursome at the eaterie of Joan’s choice. (Even though it was my birthday, I would let her choose.)

’Twas not to be.

Enter La Collins. When the events manager introduced us, Joan, who was wearing black satin slacks with a fab chinoise-y top with flyaway bits, recoiled in horror. “I knew nothing of this!” she gasped, splaying a hand on her upper chest and adding: “And I hate these kinds of surprises!” Sphincters tightened. Knuckles whitened. So great was the maquillaged septuagenarian’s displeasure that I began to have Dynasty déjà vu. I felt as though we were in the middle of a showdown in the lobby of the Mirage country club: Krystle and Alexis were about to slug it out and roll around on Borders’ mauve carpet.

But fighting was out of the question. There was no way I could bring myself to throttle the still-gorgeous icon. Yes, she was having a hissy fit, but, when all is said and done, the lady had just cause: Apparently, horror of horrors, Joan’s people had forgotten to remind her that someone had agreed to come—on his birthday!—and help her peddle books. What kind of monsters were they? How could they treat a great star like that! No wonder she was furious. If, on my next book tour, somebody shows up and tries to help me sell books (on his or her birthday), I will bitch-slap that loser all the way to Carrington headquarters.

The affable S.O. somehow managed to placate his missus. With Percy in tow carrying the Collins fur stole, we proceeded to the speaking area, where we were greeted by loud cheers, a good number of which were directed—sorry, Joanie!— at moi.

Encouraged by the sight of so many well-wishers and familiar faces, I resolved to vanquish the current froideur and kicked off the interview with a rousing quote from Joan’s book: “Relationships, particularly sexual ones, are not just the prerogative of the young …. ”

“Joan, this is my favorite quote,” I gushed. “Would you care to elaborate?”

OH MY GOD.

This is wrong.

Did You Have A Good Halloween?

Don't respond, i don't care. Fuck Halloween.

Come Give Mama Some Sugar.

Mmmm.

Momma Madge

Click here for something really funny, a kind of funny version of Madonna (The only one that matters) on Oprah.

My Dog Bites My Vagina

This is funny, though i do feel for the woman. I mean, she's getting bitten in the vagina by her dog and won't do anything about it? Get laid lady, poor thing.

God Bless Jan Terri

This is remarkable. Just when you think it can't get any worse, she goes for the high notes...

My Favourite Magazine.

Oh My God.

I would die. Happy Halloween.

Why Do You Think You Are Nuts?

This is fucking major!!!!!!

They are all stars in this, but i love the dancers moves too!

Not That I'm Political...

....But this is ridiculous. I'm not sure that our Mr. Blair could actually get away with this, but somehow Bush can. This is because Americans are by and large a stupid people, with the clever dicks firmly in the minority. And in the UK. Like Madonna, she's no fool.

Ha ha ha, aren't we smug, you silly yanks. Only YOU could've voted for such a silly man, and then let him keep his job.

I Don't Know.

I can't see anything he can do well, but he's doing lots of other stuff. If you can take your eyes off the groin you have more will power than me.

There's Something About Betty LaLush...

...That i think is rather fabulous.

Disco Fashions!

This Shit Is Harsh.

The Faces Of Meth.

Click on it to seewhat Crystal Meth can do for you. From what i can see, apart from the obvious, you also start to make weird hairstyle choices.

Fidel & I Are Playing Tonight.

We have a new DJ starting with us too, called DJ Soul Benet.



He's amazing and will be playing the New Heavies Lounge from 12.30 till 2.30. You should check out his myspace here

It'll be a hootenanny! We are the best.

So anyway I Enjoyed Ibiza....

...It was truly amazing. I'm not normally one for that silly stuff but it was truly a magical island. I get why everyone's been going on at me (especially a Mr. Graham) to go there, but i did even better than that - I PLAYED THERE! Hanging out with the biggest DJs in the world, watching them spin, and realising i am better than them really did things for my self confidence. As you can see from the picture below, i wasn't afraid to show myself off after that.



As i say, iRock & iRoll.

Religeous People Are Fundamentally Flawed.

Bush

I just love saying that name. Bush. Big fat Bush. You have a big Bush.

It's All Over For You Honey.

I love it when she decides to lash out at the camera, with her kooch out. Silly woman.

THIS IS MAJOR!

A news broadcast that takes a turn for the worst. This is so funny i almost choked! And the presenters in the studio don't give a fuck.

Alan Carr

Right then, i've gone a bit nuts. I seem to have devoted my entire to blog to a comedian called Alan Carr. Below is example after example of his work, i couldn't stop. It's just that he's so funny, every single time i see him on television (which as you may know is virtually never anyway since i avoid that hideous waste of time at all costs usually), or when i read an interview of his, he will always say something that makes me cry with laughter.

He's gayer than the day is long, he's Marvin Gaye.

Well, no, he's Alan Carr.



Please excuse the terrible filming on this one, but it's worth it i promise.



Now here he is with:

With Carol Vorderman Pt. 1

The most outrageous joke i've heard him say yet..

With Jerry Springer..

This has just made me really chuckle.

With Denise Van Outen

With Christian Slater

With Billie Piper

With Misha Barton

With Misha Again..

..With Girls Aloud

I fancy the blonde one, she is fit.

Perhaps not in the lycra though. Ah what the hell.

With Jade Goody

With Carol Vorderman

This one's particularly good.

...With Justin Hawkings

..With Rupert Everett

He's Gonna Be Huge.

This Week I Will Be Mostly....

..Partying my nuts off in Ibiza. I'm off there for the closing parties and yes, i'm playing there too. That's how major i am!

My specially selected outfit for my night of nights (the final DC10 Party ever) will be:




So no posting till Friday next week. Till then, try to avoid wearing cycling shorts people, not even for sexual games.

iRock & iRoll.

Big Kiss X

The Whole Family Are Freaks.

Look At Her Massive Lungs!

Dirty Hands Are The Devil's Playground.

OHMYFUCKINGGODTHISISMAJOR!!!!!!

This is one of the most major things i've ever posted.

It's EXACTLY how i imagined it, but with more coke involved.

Ladies & Gentlemen, Naomi Campbell Beats Her Assistant.

Shut Your Gob!

I also love the couple dancing away to the groovy music, this is a very funny clip.

Priceless.

That's My Girl.

She's too major sometimes, just sometimes. All that kids friends are going to want to bang his mother, i bet he'll turn out weird. Or gay.

THIS IS MAJOR!

The first drag parody of Beyonce's new single 'Ring The Alarm'.

This is bitchin!

It's All About Tyra

Woman, shut up about your God damn self!

The Italian Prime Minister.

Not anymore i know, but this is a major moment.

This Is Wicked!

This one goes out to L7!

Karen Black & L7 perform 'Bang Bang', and it's hilarious. I bet all of them have normal jobs now, and bake pies for their husbands after sending the kids off to school. Riot girls, what a load of bullshit!

Heavy Night

You know when you've been out on a massive night with all your friends, you get everyone back to your place for an inpromptu party, and a camera comes out? Well the next time that happens to me, i'm going to do this.

Me As A Child Star?

There's so much that's wrong about this video, right till the end.

I am going to play that track out though.

Male Restroom Etiquette

The Best Music Video Ever.

I hope to achieve similar creative success later in life.

Please Be The Mother Of My Child!

This woman melts me like a candle man, she's somet else.

Tittie-Fuck!

This Is How I Learned About Sex...

....Don't know about you.

Dubya Vs. Little Richard

My Friend Is Wondering How To Tell His Parents....

....That he's got a girl pregnant that he hardly knows. I suggested doing this first, then telling them.

God I Love Having This Blog!

This video has just made me really laugh.

At first i thought it might be a prank, but it's real. I don't know why this event or poor-formance exist, but the fact that it does has made me laugh.

As a side line, i didn't look that much older than this boy when i first went to a nightclub (Strawberry Sundae - Drury Lane London). I'm sure i don't look a day older than i did then. I'm sure.

Priceless.

OK THIS IS SO NOT SAFE FOR WORK!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Yes Fidel's Put On A Few Pounds...

....So get over it already!

Fidel the early years:



I don't see a single difference, you bitches.

Lindsay's Kootch -- AGAIN!

She MUST be needing publicity for something. Or she's just more comfortable when there's nothing covering her over-used kootch. Jesus i wouldn't go there, it would probably bite your leg off.

Interestingly, the bag in her hand is from a party i went to on Sunday, and i did indeed see her. Actually, that wasn't that interesting really was it?


I predict she will look like this in her Winter Years.

HELP A LONDON DJ!

Ok so i'm really sorry i took an unannounced break from blogging, but i'm back now with some bloody blinders below, so could you do something for me?

I need as many people to vote for me as possible in the DJ Magazine Top 100 Djs poll. It's quite easy, just clink the link below and put my name as your favourite (name being Kris Di Angelis) , it asks you for your top 5 but i suggest you name 4 other people who aren't DJs for this to work truly in my favour.

It's only 2 mins of your time, but it will make the world of difference to me. If you wanna check out my myspace to see if i'm good enough click here

I hope my blog brings you regular joy, now give me some back please!

Lindsay Airs Out Her Kootch!

As per usual, her snatch is out and about. If you can't see it, click on it. It's like a chicken's neck.

Viagra & Spam.

Because they WOULD go together wouldn't they?

SPAMEGGANDHAM

I Don't Bloody Know.

Oh I Am Loving This Guy Sick!

It's not just everything about him, it's also all in the eyes..



Though clearly someone's had a word with him since - just look at the difference here:



Maybe he was pissed the first time around!

This Is Clever

For all you trekkies out there!

Oh My God This Woman Is Insane!

I just can't believe this at all.

Squirrel Melts? She has a child with a gun for fuck's sake! See? You have to watch this. Loving that it's on the Huntress channel!

OK, THIS IS FUCKING DISGUSTING!

This is the grocest thing i've ever posted.

It's Ukrainian, and i suggest you don't eat while you watch this (it is funny though!)

I'm Having Ideas....

....About having a video that announces me before i come onto the decks to play, and then i find this!


It's Kris Di Angelis!

This Is Grose!

Y'Know, People Ask Me...

...."How DID you get your gig at DTPM?".

The things i had to do to get that gig man.

This Is Just Too Funny

Weather Man (Nancy) Vs. Cockroach

Bush Joke

A traveler is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway.
Nothing is moving.

He notices a few men walking down the shoulder, when
suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's
happening?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped President Bush and are
asking for a $10 billion ransom -

otherwise they are going to douse him with gasoline
and set him on fire.

We're going from car to car to take up a collection."

The driver asks, "On the average, how much is everyone
giving?"

"About a gallon."

Punk Fashion

This is brill, it won't let me show you here but click the link below.

I want to be Raymond


Punk!

Butch Queen First Time In Drags

My early attempts to be a girl were met with nothing but ridicule.

Skippy

*A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

 

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.*

 

*They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

 

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her

Nervousness and the broccoli casserole that she consumed. The gas pains

Almost made her eyes water. *

*Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets

Out a dainty little fart.

 

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.  *

*Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father

Looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and

Said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

 

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. *

*A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. * *

This

Time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer** rrrrrip.*

*

 

**The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" *

*Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"  *

*A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. *

*This time she didn't even think about it.She let a fart rip that rivaled a

Freight train whistle blowing.

 

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and  yelled, "Dammit

Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

I Really, Really Don't Know.

But it is funny...

I Really, Really Don't Know.

But it is funny...

Why She Rules.

The Only One That Matters.

You couldn't do this with anyone else's videos.

Mariah & Whitney

Loves it.

Yallbonics.

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to seek a
grant designating Southern slang, or Y'allbonics, as a lang-
uage to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are
excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary.

1) ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I
sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup
truck."

2) FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother
from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck,
that thang's gonna catch far."

3) TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that
brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my
pickup truck."

4) TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin'
and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

5) RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw
retard at age 65."

6) FAT - (noun and verb) - A battle or combat; to engage
in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n,
n' ah'm gonna whup yuh."

7) RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We
Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

8) CHEER - (adverb) - In this place. Usage: "Jest set that
bare rat cheer."

9) FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddin't unner-
stand a wurd he sed . . . must be from some farn country."

10) DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

Ok This Is Mean....

Click on the image to full full size, as it were.

Would This Be The Disco Scrap Heap?

This is an odd one. I guess our UK equivalent would be Angie Brown and Kym Mazelle battling it out on Trisha. Anyway, take a look and what it really looks when time marches across your face, and takes your purse with it too.

Never In My Life...

...did i think i would get tips on how to dump someone from Michael Jackson. I must be getting older, and my dates are definately getting younger....

Hmmmm.

You know how sometimes you can think you look one way, but in reality you look completely different? Well in my mind, this is what i look like when i'm djing at my club night.

Funny the mind isn't it?

The Only One That Matters.

Our lady of perpetual motion.

The Trouble With Wearing Trampy Clothes Is....

....That when you're hand eventually finds it's way back into the cookie jar, EVERYONE CAN SEE! What the fuck does she think she looks like? She must be a cunt mustn't she? How is it that no one around her feels comfortable enough to say "Er, babe, don't wear that."? Even i have friends that have been known to save me from embarrasing myself, course i don't speak to them anymore but anyways.

Free Gas

Urethra Franklin

What. The. Fuck.

A selection.



Suffice to say, this one's mine. Apparantly part of me likes to do the making love and the other part likes to watch. I think he's onto something y'know.



It's the way he manages to find ways to sing the actual name of the sign. He's an early Eminem!

This Is Why You Should Never Write Songs About The Zodiac.

I mean, what the fuck is she thinking?

Brand Beckham

Clever Dick

Hee Hee

Oh My Love....